Path to a Tomorrow
by LoveHateDrama
Summary: It's been almost four years since Eric Cartman moved away from South Park. But when he unexpectedly returns, Kyle finds himself viewing Cartman from a whole different perspective. Rated M for smut...Kyman.
1. The Letter

"Bubbele, go get the mail for me!" Mom yelled from the kitchen.  
>" Kay, Mom!" I replied, slipping on my black Converse and grabbing my black leather jacket from the coat rack.<p>

I opened the door and walked out onto the snow-covered driveway. The thick white snow crunched under my shoes as I made my way towards the mailbox.

Upon opening it, I saw a myriad of papers and envelopes, but I doubted any of it was of any importance.

Nevertheless, I scooped it all up in my arms and hurried back into the house.

My mom was waiting in the living room for me.

Taking the mail from me, she smiled warmly and said, "Thanks, Bubby." before heading back to the kitchen to sort through the mail.

I ripped off my jacket and threw it on the floor along with my shoes. But before I had a chance to plop down on the couch and watch some TV like I always do, my mother came out into the living room holding a yellow envelope.

"Bubbele, this is for you." She told me.

I raised an eyebrow. I never got mail unless it was birthday money from my relatives.

"Who's it from, ma? My birthday's still seven months away." I asked.

She looked at the front of the envelope and frowned.

"Oh, it's from Eric. I thought you guys broke up."

I felt my face turn bright red at the comment.

"We never went out, ma!"

"That's not how I meant it, Bubby." She replied, throwing the envelope in my lap and walking away.

My mother _had _to have been fucking with me. It's the only explanation, since Cartman and I haven't talked since tenth grade.

Doubtful of my mom's truthfulness, I picked up the envelope and proceeded to read the front of it.

My heart catapulted out of my chest and my stomach swallowed itself whole as I locked eyes with his name.

I opened the envelope and took out the piece of notebook paper that was neatly stuffed inside.

I hastily unfolded it and began to read Cartman's letter.

_Hello Kahl,_

_It's been a while, Jew, but don't get me wrong. I still hate you, Seriouslah. I'm only writing you 'cause I'm moving back to South Park. That's right, Jew. Tell the guys. Heh heh heh heh heh heh na na na na na. P.S. I will have your ass if you don't write me back, Kike. No homo._

_Peace,_

_Eric Cartman_

I furiously balled up the letter and threw it at the wall. Life had been so good without him ripping on me, and now this fucker was coming back into my life again.

_What the hell am I gonna do?,_ I thought to myself.


	2. This Can't Be Happening

**A/N: To all the people who like to flame everything:**

**I understand that you're full of shit, but I'm not a toilet, so please dump your shit somewhere else.**

**Thank you and have a nice day. :)**

**Or not. It's your choice. **

**ALSO, thanks to all the people who reviewed. You made my day :)**

**Now, on with the story, which AGAIN is painfully short. But I'm trying my best.  
><strong>

I sighed and grabbed a sheet of paper from the stack on the end table.

However, just as I fished out a pen from my jeans pocket I heard a knock at the door.

_Who the hell could that be? _I wondered as I walked over to the door.

The door flew open before I had a chance to open it.

"Jeww!" A familiar voice said.

Oh God. Please tell me I was dreaming.

Unfortunately for me, I wasn't. This was real. A tall, slightly chubby figure stood before me, grasping large brown briefcases in his hands. I gaped at his size. When had he gotten so tall?

I came up to his shoulders. _That's _how fucking tall he had gotten.

"C-cartman?" I choked out.

"What's the matter, Jew? You look surprised to see me."

"I-I j-just…" I searched for the right words to describe how cute he looked, but the words just wouldn't come out.

Cartman glared at me, obviously getting frustrated by my sheepish stammering.

"Dude, stop it. You sound like Jimmy."

And with that, he ventured upstairs, probably to put his crap in my room.

I wasn't able to do anything more than stand there looking stupid.

I was in love with Cartman, and there wasn't a god damn thing I could do about it, either.

About five seconds later, Cartman came down the stairs and slapped me in the face.

"Ow! Dude, what the hell!" I exclaimed.

"You were checking me out."  
>My face took on the color of a freshly picked tomato.<p>

Oh God. Did I really?

He grabbed my bony white arm and started to drag me upstairs.  
>"Come, Kahl. I have a surprise for you."<p>

I felt my blush deepen as we neared my room.

Oh God. What was he gonna do to me?

I found myself trying to tear away from his grip, but he was too strong. He led me into my room, where I found several Nazi posters strewn across my bed.

"What the hell, Cartman!" I yelled out.

"What, Kahl? You don't wanna be my Jew?" He asked, reaching for my face and cupping it in his hands.

"I-I don't know." I replied, tripping over my words just like Jimmy.

"Admit it, Kahl. You want me." He purred, stroking my red afro.

For some reason, I just couldn't admit it. I felt like I was lying to myself.

"I-"

God dammit. I was doing it again. Screwing up my words. Now I was never gonna get Cartman.

Wait a minute.

Do I actually want Cartman?

No way…it couldn't be.

…But it is.

Oh shit. What have I gotten myself into?


	3. Sharing is Caring

**A/N: So, here's the third chapter. If you haven't noticed, I suck at writing long chapters, but I hope you like this one nevertheless.**

**Also, I'd like to thank all the people who took the time to review. You guys are awesome!**

**Anyways, without further ado, I present the kind of long awaited Chapter 3!**

Before I even had the chance to answer, his lips were on mine.

It felt so wrong, yet so right...

It was a feeling of desire that I'd heard so much about but I had never felt before. I never thought I'd feel this way towards a man that I used to hate with every last drop of venom in me.

But now...it was as if someone had struck me down with a lightning bolt.

His kiss was so magical and his touch was so enlightening...It felt like I was a giggly schoolgirl looking into the eyes of my dream boyfriend.

He looked at me with those sparkling honey brown eyes.  
>"I-I think I love you, Cartman." I told him, looking deep into his beautiful eyes.<p>

"Whatever, Jew. Help me put my stuff away."

"Fine. But you're not sleeping in here."

I sighed dramatically and helped him unpack his luggage. He had barely brought any clothes with him, but he had brought tons of food. Jeez, there was enough food in his briefcase to last starving African children months.

"Cartman, what the hell is with all this food?"

"Look, Kahl, just 'cause I'm staying here doesn't mean I want to eat your mom's stupid Jew food."

"You mean Kosher?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Whatever." He replied, shooting me a look of unmistakable jealousy.

I can't help that I'm smart. I study every night and read over my notes, whereas fat-ass just...well, sits on his ass and eats Cheesy Poofs.

But that's to be expected of him. Although a lot of his weight has shifted over the years, he still has a baby face, and he's still a little chubby. But he's cuter that way.

"What the hell are you staring at, Jew?" He asks, scanning me up and down.

"Nothing." I quickly shoot back, biting my lip and turning away.

It's hard not to stare at him, to be honest.

He looks a lot better than he did when we were kids.

The worst part is, he grows on you like a puppy. Even if he insults your religion every day, it's hard not to look away from him.

It's like no matter what I do, he's still there. You can't push him away. It's always been that way.

But...still. I can't stop looking at him. I'm starting to get a little worried about my sanity, so the next morning, I decide to phone Stan.

He picks up on the second ring.

"Hey, dude." He greets casually.

"Dude, I-I have a problem." I pipe up. The words nearly got caught in my throat, though.

"What's wrong, dude?" He asks worriedly.

"Well...It's Cartman. No matter how hard I try, I just can't keep my eyes off of him." I tell him.

"Dude, this is Cartman you're talking about. You can't exactly ignore him." He says.

I gulp. It's so true, it hurts.

"Yeah, but, I-" I try to tell him what's been going on, but the words keep pushing themselves back down my throat.  
>"Dude, calm down. What's the matter?" He asks, sounding even more concerned.<p>

"Well...I think I like Cartman." I confide.

"Dude, Cartman? What the hell is WRONG with you? Why not go for Butters, SERIOUSLY?" He shouts.

My heart breaks at his reaction. I knew he was gonna do this to me.

"Well, Stan, it's not exactly easy." I retort, pursing my lips in frustration.

It's hard telling your best friend that you're in love with your worst enemy, and Stan's not taking it too well.

There's silence on the other end of the phone. The seconds slowly begin to tick by. Still no answer.

I'm getting fed up with this, so I hang up on him.

Just as I'm about to go face Cartman, my door flies open to reveal my mom standing in the doorway, looking worried.

"Kyle, bubby, your friend Eric told me that you're making him sleep downstairs on the couch. What did I tell you about sharing?"

"But, Ma-" I began to protest.  
>She wagged her finger and looked at me disapprovingly.<p>

"No buts, Kyle. Don't make me get your father in here."

"Dammit." I mumbled under my breath.

Cartman began to walk towards me with deliberate slowness. My mom shut the door behind him.

"So, Kahl, I guess I _will _be sleeping in here after all." He announced, looking at me with those big innocent puppy dog eyes.

"So what? Stop rubbing it in my face."

"Oh, no can do, Kahl." He replied, his hands dangerously close to my pants.

I slapped his hand away, blushing fiercely.

"No need to be ashamed, Kahl. We both know you like it."

"Shut up!" I snapped, my cheeks still blazing with the intensity of a thousand fires.

"Admit it, Kahl. You're hot for me." He teased, his fingers trailing up my thigh.  
>"No, Cartman!" I yelled, pushing him away.<p>

"Fine, Kahl. I'll sleep in your bed, and your pussy ass can sleep on the floor until you admit you want to sleep with me."

"Fine!"

"Night, Jew." He said as he crawled into my bed.

I curled up on the floor and cursed myself for not sleeping in the bed 'cause I was cold as shit.

Cartman sat up in the bed and looked at me. "Last chance, Jew."

I looked back at him with desperate emerald green eyes. Sighing, I bit my lip and tried to decide if being warm was worth sleeping with a total jerk whom I was inexplicably and irreversibly in love with.

"Well, Kahl? I'm waiting."

For some reason, I couldn't resist the grin that was planted on his face.

"Fine..." I replied, forcing myself to look away from his lips. 


	4. Negotiations

I was about to climb into the bed with him when I saw something protruding from the blanket.

"What the hell?" I exclaimed.

"You know you want it, Kahl."

"Screw you, Cartman!"

"Go ahead, Kahl."

My cheeks were on fire. Did he just ask me to do him?

"No thanks, dude." I replied, walking towards the door.

Much to my annoyance, he hopped out of the bed and followed me.

"Come on, Kahl, stop being such a Jew!"

"Cartman, even if I _did _like you, I'd never do you while my parents are home!"

"Ok Kahl, I'll kill your parents."

"What? No!"

"Fine, Kahl, but mark my words, one of these days, I'm going to fuck you so hard you're going to forget who you are. And until then, get the fuck out of my room."

"Dude, what the fuck, this is my room!"

"Not anymore."

"You can't do this to me, fat-ass! Where the hell am I going to sleep!"

"I don't give a fuck where you sleep, Jew, just get the hell out of my room."

I let out a low pitched growl and stormed out of the room.

"Who the hell does he think he is, kicking me out of my room?" I mumble to myself. Just as I'm about to go downstairs and sleep on the couch, I run into my mother.

"Oh hi Bubby, what's the matter? You look upset."

"Ma, Cartman kicked me out of my room."

"What what what?"

I nodded.  
>"Well don't you worry, Kyle, I'll have that door open in no time!"<p>

She knocked on my door.  
>"Eric, open the door, please."<p>

"Suck my balls, you old Kike!"  
>"What what what? Young man, you open this door right now!"<p>

"Not unless Kahl agrees to suck my balls."

"How about this? If you come out, I'll take the both of you to Casa Bonita tomorrow."

"Oh, you're breakin' my balls, ma'am. You're breakin' my balls."

"Will you just shut up and come out already?" I holler.

"Let me handle this, Bubby."

I groan but decide to let her finish negotiating with the fat-ass.

"Ok, how about this? If you come out, I'll take the both of you to Casa Bonita tonight and give each of you five dollars."  
>"Fifty."<p>

"Ten."

"Hundred."

"Fifteen."

"Hundred fifty."  
>"Deal."<p>

My jaw flew open at her response.

"Sweet!" Cartman replied.

"Both of you get dressed, we're leaving in ten minutes."

And with that, she went downstairs.

"Fuck you, Cartman." I snarled.

"We can do that after we see the cliff divers, Kahl." He replied.

I felt a blush sweep over my cheeks.

"No!"

"Whatever, Kahl."

As soon as he said that, the door opened and he came prancing out wearing a black tuxedo.

All I could think was, _Damn, maybe I will hit that after we see those cliff divers._

I walked into my room and saw a half empty bottle of liquor sitting on my desk.

_Well, maybe just a sip..._


	5. Casa Bonita

**A/N: I know I've kept you guys waiting forever, but finally, there's some smex! Mind you, I'm 14, so if it sucks, please don't blame me. Anyhoo, on with the chapter.**

Just as I was about to take a much needed sip of liquor, a voice startled me from behind.

"Kahl, what the hell are you doing? It's time to go!"

His eyes slowly drift down to the liquor bottle in my hand.

"Oh, god dammit, I shoulda known!"

He abruptly knocks the bottle out of my hand, sending it plunging towards the floor.

I gaped in horror as the bottle landed with a SHOOM! and shattered into a million tiny pieces.

"Cartman, what the hell!" I exclaim.

"Shut up, Jew!" He yells back, taking ahold of my scrawny arm and yanking me away from my room.

"Cartman, I'm not even dressed to go out!" I insist, trying desperately to pull away and go back to my room and change.  
>"Oh well, Kahl! I gave you five goddamn minutes and you decided you were going to drink all my liquor!" He retorted.<p>

I bit down on my lower lip as hard as I could to restrain myself from growling like a dog.

I shut my eyes tightly, refusing to watch as he dragged me out into the freezing cold.

By the time we were halfway towards the car, I was already freezing my fucking ass off.

_Why the hell does South Park have to be so goddamn cold?, _I thought to myself as we piled into my mom's shiny green hybrid.

Cartman chuckled softly and punched my arm. "Dude, it's okay, you can open your eyes now."

I slowly began to open my eyes. When I did, I saw the same old car I'd been riding in since I was nine.

I chuckled weakly at the memories it brought back.

Cartman scooted closer towards me.  
>"So, <em>Kaahl,<em>what should we do first once we get to Casa Bonita?" He asked, pawing playfully at my leg.

I swatted his hand away and focused on the road.

"Dammit Kahl, stop ignoring me!" He demanded in a hoarse whisper.  
>"Shut up!" I yelled back.<p>

"Boys, stop fighting!" Mom shouted, her eyes shifting from the road to us.  
>Cartman and I were silent for the rest of the trip.<p>

When we finally arrived at Casa Bonita, Cartman practically jumped out of the car. I, however, took my time getting out of the car.

Mom attempted to lead us into the restuarant, but Cartman was already twelve feet in front of her, sprinting towards the entrance.

"Come on you guys, let's go!" He hollered, urging us to hurry up.

"Wait up, Cartman!" I yelled back, trying to catch my breath.

As soon as we were inside the restuarant, a fair-skinned woman with long brown hair greeted us casually.  
>"Hello, how are we all doing tonight?" She asked with a smile.<p>

"Oh, we're fine, how are you?" My mother replied, returing the smile.

"Fine. It's just the three of you?" She asked, looking around to see if we had anyone else in the party.

"Yes, ma'am." I replied, turning my attention to Cartman, whose hands were fiddling with his tux.

"Follow me." The lady instructed. She led us to a booth by the center of the restaurant.

"I'll be back shortly to take your order." She told us as she was leaving the booth.

"Excuse us, we have to go to the bathroom." Cartman announced, dragging me out of my mother's sight.

"What the hell, dude!" I exclaimed, looking at him like he was crazy.

"Look, Kahl, do you want to get laid or don't you?" He retorted.

A couple of people must've heard us because it felt like the entire room was staring at us.  
>"What the hell are you assholes staring at?" Cartman snapped.<p>

Instantly, everyone who was staring at us went back to what they were doing.

"Come on, Kahl. It'll be fun." He insisted.

"No, Cartman!" I yelled back.  
>"Kahl, you WILL take it, or I'll kick your sorry Jew ass." He threatened.<br>"NO!" I shouted.

He tightened his grip on my wrist and dragged me into the employee's bathroom. Unfortunately for me, it was just a regular old bathroom with a toilet, a sink, and a urinal, complete with no stalls and a perfectly functioning door lock. Fuck, Cartman was going to rape me and I had no way out.  
>"Let's have some fun, Kahl." Cartman whispered in my ear.<p>

"Let's not." I replied hesitantly. Beads of sweat ran down my forehead as I watched him slowly take off his clothes.

I stared at his dick in jealousy. He was at least four inches longer than me.

Gritting my teeth, I forced myself to look away.  
>"Strip, Jew."<p>

I slowly began to take off my clothes as well.  
>"I swear to God, Cartman, if you tell anyone about this-"<br>"Don't worry, Jew. I won't tell _anyone_." He replied with a shit-eating grin that sent shivers up my spine.

"Lay down, Kahl."

I obediently laid down, bracing for impact.

"Ok, Kahl, here it comes." He warned me.

I groaned quite audibly as he slid his long, slender dick into my tight, virgin ass.

"OW, DUDE STOP IT, IT HURTS!" I yelled out.

He clasped a hand over my mouth.  
>"Shut up, Kahl, or someone's gonna hear you!"<br>"That's the point, fat-ass!" I shot back.

He shoved himself deeper and deeper inside me, until at last his entire body tensed and he came.

Nevertheless, he kept thrusting in and out of me and a pace I wouldn't even expect him to be able to achieve at his weight.

I thought his fat-ass would've been tired ages ago, but nope. He kept going and going and going, and I kept screaming out in pure ecstasy every time he slammed into my prostate.

Finally, after five long, pleasure-filled minutes, he pulled out and collapsed ontop of me.  
>"Let's do it again!" I shouted eagerly.<p>

"Maybe later, Kahl." He said as he passed out on my back.


	6. Kyle Wars

The moment he passed out, there was a light knock on the door.

"Boys, you okay in there?" Came the nasal voice of my mother.

"Yeah, we're fine, ma." I answered.

"What's taking you so long, bubby?" She asked with a hint of fear in her voice.

"Cartman just took a huge dump! OH GOD, it stinks!" I replied, faking a sense of extreme disgust.

"Well, tell Eric the waitress came back. I'm sure he'll be happy to hear that." She replied. I heard faint footsteps, so I assumed she had left as soon as she said that.

I tugged at his arm.

"Cartman. Cartman, wake up!"

Unfortunately, the chubby sixteen year old wouldn't budge. It looks like he was out cold.

"Dammit." I muttered.

Just as I was about to stage being passed out, there was another light knock at the door.

"Yes?" I yelled a bit too forcefully.

"Kyle? Kyle, is that you in there?" A voice asked.

"Stan?"

"Yeah, dude, hurry up, I gotta piss."

I let out a huge groan but unlocked the door anyway. It was best if he knew what had just happened.

He came in without hesitation, but one glance at Cartman's naked body and he knew something was up.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" He exclaimed.  
>"Uh, Stan...We sorta did it." I explained as calmly as I could."<p>

"Kyle, what the hell is wrong with you? Have you lost your _fucking MIND?_"

"What the hell is wrong with _you_, Stan?"  
>"I <em>love <em>you, Kyle!"  
>"AYE, I HEARD THAT!" Cartman boomed.<p>

He got up off the floor and into Stan's face.

"Kahl is _mine_, Stan, and so help me God if you even _try _to steal him from me, I'll rip your balls right off your crotch!"  
>"Whoa, dude, calm down." Stan told Cartman, backing away slowly.<p>

"No, I will not _calm down_, Stan! How the hell do you expect me to fucking _calm down_ when you bust in here trying to steal my Kahl away from me!"  
>"I was just sayi-"<p>

"No, you were not just saying! Get the fuck out of here!" Cartman demanded, pushing Stan up against the cold, wet tile.

Stan gulped and nodded shortly before making his escape.

Unfortunately for us, Butters was the next to come knocking on the door.

"Wuh, hello, is anyone in there?"

"Go away, Butters!" Cartman shouted.

"Wuh, fellas, can I just come in and tinkle? I have to go really bad!"

"Fine." I grunted.  
>"Kahl, no!" Cartman yelled out in protest.<p>

But it was too late. Butters had already seen both of us naked.

"Wuh-what are you doin' with your weiner there, Eric?"

I looked over at Cartman and gasped.

"What's it look like I'm doing, dumbass?"

"Wuh, I don't know, that's why I asked!"

Cartman slapped his hand over his forehead in frustration.

"I'm jerking off, Butters."

"Oh, well all right then."


	7. Fatass Season

**A/N: Just because I fuckin' said so, Butters will be narrating the following author's note:**

**A/N #2: Wuh…I-I'm sorry that I won't be able t-ta update this for a while. Ya see, I'm going on vacation and I-I need some time away, ya know. Well, see ya in a few weeks, fellas! I-I sure hope you're not sore at me for leavin' ya like this, fellas.**

_**Stan's POV**_

I can't believe this! After all these years as my super best friend, Kyle ends up with _Cartman_?

I mean, South Park has seen its fair share of strange shit, but this? This was simply going too far. Seeing them in each other's arms pissed me off more than the human mind could dare to imagine.

I continued to bang on the door.  
>"Fellas, c-can I leave now? My mom says I can't watch n-no more man porn, or else I'm gonna get grounded!"<p>

Butters' voice was followed by a string of excited moans and whispers. Then Butters spoke again.

"F-fellas...My wiener's startin' to s-stretch, c-can I go now?"

That's it. I can't take it anymore. I furiously begin to pull at the knob, even though I know my efforts are futile.

"Butters, open the door!" I yell.

Butters, being the gullible little asshole he is, unlocks the door and lets me in, much to Cartman's outrage and Kyle's dread-filled shock.

Without even thinking about it, I lunge at Cartman and dig my thick fingernails into his soft, smooth skin.

Dammit. Why the hell does his skin have to be so much softer than mine?

The tubby bastard thrashes wildly as I attempt to kick him in the balls.

"God dammit, Stan, get off of me!"

He yelps in pain as I kick him right in his big fat balls.

Kyle tries to pull me off of Cartman, but I'm not going down without a fight, so I thrust my fist backward, hitting Kyle in the mouth.

"Stan, you're out of control! I'm sorry, but I'm with Cartman now...and if you can't accept that...then I guess we're not super best friends anymore."

"You got that right." Cartman scoffed.

Kyle shot Cartman a pissed off look, and Cartman responded by shrugging and looking all fucking innocent. God, I hate that stupid fat-ass. He's so stuck-up.

I can't help but let a few tears stream down my cheeks. I was so close, and then Kyle just totally dissed me.

**LATER THAT NIGHT...**

I buried my face into my arms and started bawling uncontrollably, my sorrowful tears sliding down my cheeks and soaking my rough skin in their wet, misguided anguish.

I cried nonstop for two hours on end, but before the night was through, I knew _exactly _what I had to do. Clenching my fists into tight balls and gritting my teeth in bitter anger, I snuck into the celler and retrieved my grandfather's hunting rifle. But this time, I wasn't hunting game...I was hunting Cartman.

**A/N: I-I sure hope you're not sore at me for leavin' ya like this, fellas.**

***switching to my own persona***

**Please don't kill me. Free cotton candy for everyone! *throws you guys some cotton candy***


	8. The War Begins

**A/N: Hey everyone, I'm sorry it took me so long to update this. I know you guys are probably pissed, so I proudly present my excuse:**

**Sorry. My Bad.**

**Jk, jk. There's just been a lot going on lately and I haven't had much time to work on my fanfics. But look on the bright side: Aren't you glad I'm not dead? X3**

**-_- P.S. If you're not, please do yourself a favor and nominate yourself for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award.**

I stared at the rifle's shiny, polished wooden surface and felt a huge grin spread across my face. _That fat-ass will never know what hit him, _I thought maliciously.

With Cartman out of the way, Kyle was sure to be mine...

"Stan, I need you to-What the hell are you doing with grandpa's gun?"

Dammit! I'd know that voice from anywhere...it was my nosy ass dad, probably coming to to ruin my chances of making Kyle mine.

My eyes darted around the room rapidly and sweat began to creep down my forehead.

"Uh...n-nothing, dad." I stammered.

"Stan, you know you're not supposed to bring guns into the house. You go put this gun back right now."  
>"But, dad, I-"<br>"NOW, STANLEY!"

"No!"  
>"DO IT OR YOU'RE GROUNDED!"<br>"No, dad! I've worked too hard for you to just waltz in here and be a fucking buzzkill!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Kyle..."  
>"Oh brother...Don't tell me you guys are gay."<p>

"Not yet..."

"What?"

"There's a reason I need this gun, dad...There's only one way to fix what's been done."

"...Have you guys done it yet?"

"No...because of Cartman, my life is ruined."

"H-hey Sharon, Stan's having butt buddy issues, could you come here for a sec?"

"What are you talking about, Ra-STANLEY! What are you doing with that gun?"

"Uh, apparently Cartman stole Kyle from Stan, so now he wants to kill Cartman."

"STANLEY! I can't believe this!"

"Yeah, Stanley, it's almost ten thirty, you know damn well you're supposed to be in bed by eight!"  
>"RANDY!"<br>"What?"  
>"Stanley, you should know better! Haven't we taught you to be better than that?"<p>

"Yeah, Stan, if you're going to kill people, you better make sure you do it before eight thirty."

"RANDY!"  
>"Oh, and clean up your mess when you're done."<p>

"Randy, I've had enough, you sick, twisted bastard!"

"What, Sharon? I'm just telling him to follow your rules."

"What the hell is wrong with you? Stanley shouldn't be killing people _AT ALL!_"  
>"Sharon, we're his parents. If Stan wants to kill people, then we should respect that."<p>

"RANDY!"  
>"What? Parents are supposed to be supportive, Sharon!"<br>"Well not if our son wants to _kill _people!"

"Look, if Stanley wants to kill people, then let him, Sharon. I don't see a problem with it."  
>"You don't see a PROBLEM? RANDY, murder is a <em>felony<em>! We're supposed to look out for our children, and that includes making sure they don't commit crimes!"

"Well excuse _me_, Sharon, I wasn't exactly given an instruction manual when you crapped Stan out of your snatch!"

"RANDY!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, geez...Look, Stan, the point is you can't-...S-stan?"

"Oh my God, Randy, where'd he go?"  
>"This is your fault, Sharon! He probably left while you were c<em>riticizing <em>me!"

"Me? You're the one who wanted to let him _kill people!_"

"Well maybe I was just trying to be supportive!"

"Look, that doesn't matter now! Stan could be anywhere...We have to go look for him."

"Yeah, that's okay, you go ahead...I'll stay behind and...guard the house."

"No, Randy, you're coming with me."  
>"Aw, dammit..."<p>

**A/N: Randy is a jerk...**

**Anyway, stay tuned for the next chapter.**

**Gosh, that sounded so gay. Oh well. Y'all still love me, right? :)**


	9. PTAT Reborn!

**A/N: After a four-month hiatus and a totally unfair ending, I was sure this story would never see the keyboard again...**

**For the longest time, I've been thinking about renewing this story. But since PTAT has lost almost all of its fans, it seemed like a pretty bad idea. Did I care? No, because I don't like letting my fans down, even if they do stop reading my crap...I AT LEAST owed them a better chapter. Anyway, I'm sorry for the asshole ending, and if you guys still care, here's my little Christmas present to all of you...**

**Also, I MIGHT continue this as a regular multi-chap fic again...It all depends on the feedback I get. I don't want to write something if I know you guys don't want to read it.  
><strong>

**Cartman's POV**

"Cartman, can I ask you something?"

The heavyset teen looked over at Kyle with his huge chocolate eyes.

"What?

"Well...what if I told you that this isn't working out?"

"What are you talking about, Kahl?"

"I'm sorry...it's just..."

"What?"

"This isn't working, Cartman. We hate each other, and you know it. I think you're just using me for sex, and that deep down, you still fucking hate me."

"So that's it, Kahl? You're dumping me for Super-Jock?"

"W-what? No, I just-"

"Dude, if you're gonna lie, you've gotta be more convincing than that. Seriously, do I look fucking stupid to you? Don't just sit there and lie to me, Kahl. Why the hell do you want to dump the man who went through so fucking much just to be next to you, only to get with the pussy ass jock that's been following you around like a fucking stalker all your life?"

Kyle's mouth fell ajar. He wanted so badly to retort, but he couldn't verbalize anything strong enough to tackle the hatred that was flowing so eloquently out of Cartman's mouth.

"You know what I think? I think you're a fraud. I think you're a filthy little Jew who will do anything to get action. Well, that's not how I roll, slut. If you want your ass pounded, that's fine, dude, get yourself a prostitute. But don't go around fucking with people's hearts, 'cause I won't hesitate to put a bullet through that perfect Jewish skull of yours."

"Cartman? What's wrong with you?"

Cartman was already halfway out the door by the time Kyle had said that.

"I'll tell you what's wrong with me, Kahl. I trusted a Jew, that's what. Never trust a fucking Jew with your heart, 'cause they'll never give it back. Greedy Jewish son of a bi-"

"STOP!"

The pudgy brunette felt a gun being introduced to his chest.

"Stan?" Kyle squeaked.

"Cartman, I am going to murder you!"

"No, Stan, don't!"

"Why the hell not?"  
>"Because, Stan... I love him..."<p>

"Don't listen to him, Kahl!"

Stan cocked the gun and pointed it at the fat boy's face.

"Shut up, Cartman, I wasn't talking to you!"

"AAAGH!" Kyle shouted as he dived at Stan and tackled him to the ground with all the force he could muster.

Stan and Kyle wrestled on the ground for a bit before the fat boy had his first lucky break; The gun sailed out of his hand and landed a few meters away.

Cartman hurriedly grabbed the gun and shouted, "STAN, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM KYLE!"

Stan immediately showcased his overused middle finger. "NO!"

Cartman jammed his index finger against the trigger, and in a flash, huge globs of blood exploded from Stan's chest, splattering the entire length of the room with its deep, velvety redness.

"C-Cartman." Kyle gasped, panting like he had just run a marathon.

"Sorry, Kahl...He was going to kill you...and I can't have mah little Jew getting hurt."

Kyle was still entirely speechless. He didn't know whether to praise Cartman or to scold him...


	10. You Can't Hide

A/N: Hey guys, Happy New Year! Hard to believe it's 2012 already and flying cars still haven't been invented yet! It's bullshit, isn't it? XD Anyway, I hope you have more fun reading this chapter than I did writing it...

"CARTMAN!" Kyle screeched, his thin pink lips silently acquiescing to a colossal oval-like shape that only the most prominently robust incredulity could produce. "OH MY GOD! You...you killed Stan...You bastard!"  
>"I didn't have a choice, Kahl!"<br>"I'm sorry...I just-I just don't know what to say to you..."  
>"Huh?"<br>"You saved my life, but you killed my best friend... I-I don't know what to say.."  
>"Look, Kahl, we weren't here, okay? None of this ever happened. We were both at my house all afternoon long playing Tea Party. Now come on, we gotta bail!"<br>Kyle had an abrupt urge to protest, but he knew that logical reasoning was practically useless against a verbal opponent as stubborn as Cartman. But still, we can't just bail!, Kyle thought, his angry eyebrows creating dark, conspicuous creases on the bridge of his nose. Kyle sighed and decided it was best for him to just shove his impulses down his throat.  
>"COME ON, KAHL!" Cartman shouted from the ground below.<br>A few moments later, a somewhat reluctant Kyle stumbled out of the open window and began descending from one of the support columns atop Stan's porch.  
>"Alright, now let's get the hell out of here." Cartman whispered stealthily.<br>And so, the two teenage boys wandered off into the unknown, completely ignoring the tragic events that had so recently transpired. The large, tawny sunset was finally starting to succumb to the overwhelming force of nighttime blackness; It was as if the sky was closing in on them. However, they were utterly unaffected by the mass of swirling darkness that embraced them. The astonishingly pulchritudinous celestial wonderland was unfolding itself right before their very eyes, so fearlessly exposing itself to their uncaring eyes. It was as if it was divulging secrets that had been kept for far too long...

"OH MY GOD! GERALD, GERALD, COME QUICK!"  
>Gerald rushed over to his wife's aid, clutching a cell phone in his right hand.<br>"What is it, Sheil-? JESUS CHRIST!" "Call the police, CALL THE POLICE!"  
>Gerald didn't even have to nod before furiously punching 911 into his device.<br>"911, What's the emergency?"  
>"SOMEONE'S BEEN SHOT!"<br>"10/4...Be there in 3."  
>"HURRY!"<br>Just a few minutes after the initial 911 call, several muscular EMTs scurried into the bedroom and lifted Stan's bloody, unconcious body onto a stretcher and carried him out to the waiting ambulance.  
>Gerald and Sheila followed suit and entered the large emergency vehicle, bawling so loudly that it made the screeching sirens sound like a silent breeze of summertime.<br>The huge car rolled away into the distance, the shrill alarms still blazing through the night skies, only to be answered by the echos of darkness...


	11. Double Trouble

**A/N: Sorry for the slow update, guys! It took a while to write this, because I wanted to give you guys a nice, long, entertaining chapter. Enjoy!**

At The Hospital

"OH MY GOD, STAN!" Sharon cried, her wide blue eyes making acquaintances with the bloody body of her severely injured son.

She briefly turned away from her battered child to gaze at the fair-haired nurse that had been monitoring him.

"Doctor, is my baby going to be okay?" She inquired, strangling a sob that had attempted to make its way up her throat.

"Well, he just had surgery to repair the bullet wound in his chest, but unfortunately, he's still in a deep coma..."

"But he's going to live...right?"

The nurse looked down at the floor and sighed. "There's no telling...he may never recover..."

"OH GOD, NO! STANLEY, YOU'VE GOT TO FIGHT!"

"Let's just wait it out, honey. Maybe Stan will make it through this..." Randy tried to reassure his wife.

Sharon exhaled gently, a vivid look of understanding painted across her face.

"Maybe you're right...I guess I was so worried about out son that I forgot about being optimistic...Maybe Stanley has a chance after all..."

"Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh...We'll find out who did this to your son...I promise. In fact, a local Jewish couple is being questioned right now."

"Oh my God...T-the Broflovski's."

"Well, let's not jump to conclusions, Sharon. Maybe it's not them."

Sharon glared up at her husband with her tear-ridden sapphires. "Randy, they're the only Jewish couple in town! Who else could it be?" She cried, the miniscule streams of salty, forlorn droplets rapidly accumulating and transforming into clear blue waterfalls of hopeless sorrow.

"Just because they called 911 doesn't mean they killed him, you know..." Randy stated, exploring his wife's deep blue globes, desperately searching them for just the slightest wisp of hope, a tiny speck of understanding, something that would silence her cries and dry up her tears...But there was nothing but the lachrymose trails of anguish.

"I hope you're right..." She sniffled, her face as flushed and puffy as a blood-drenched blowfish.

I hope I am too, Randy thought to himself.

* * *

><p>"Oh Gerald, I'm scared!" Sheila squealed, clutching on to her husband's wrists.<p>

"Calm down, honey. Everything's gonna be all right." As Gerald stroked his wife's messy red beehive, the dreadful whining of hinges filled their ears, and a tall, broad man entered the room. He proceeded to seat himself directly in front of the Broflovski's.

"Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, my name is Officer James. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions about your case?"

"No, not at all." Gerald answered.  
>"Oh God, I'm so nervous!" Sheila cried.<p>

"There's no reason to be nervous, Mrs..." The raven-haired officer hesitated for a bit, uncertain of the Jewish woman's name-addressment preferences.  
>"Sheila...and Gerald." She confirmed her standpoint.<p>

"Well, Sheila, there's nothing to be afraid of, I'm just going to ask you a few simple questions."

The redheaded Jew responded with a nod.

"All-righty then, let's get started. Is Stan Marsh a close friend of yours?"  
>"Well, he's best friends with my son, but I don't actually know him that well." Gerald replied.<br>Just as the policeman opened his mouth to ask another question, a loud, upbeat ringtone filled the room. Sheila dived into her pocket and opened the noisy cellular device.

"Hello?" She asked casually.

"Momma, where is Kyle?" The voice of her eleven-year-old Canadian son domineered the earpiece.

"He said he was going over to Eric's house for a while. He still isn't back yet?"

"No."  
>"Huh. That's odd."<br>"Yeah."

"Did you try calling Eric's house?"  
>"You call."<br>"I'm busy, hon."  
>"But I don' like Cartman, mama."<p>

"Alright, dear."

She hung up and dialed Liane's number.

After the fifth ring, she finally answered the phone.  
>"Hello?"<br>"Oh, hello, Ms. Cartman. I was wondering if Kyle was over there."

"Oh, yes, but I'm afraid I haven't seen your son for a few hours."  
>"Really? Where did he go?"<br>"Eric left me a note on the fridge that said he was going with your son to be an outdoorsman in the woods for a while."  
>"You don't say..."<br>"Oh, yes. My little poopsykins has a very active imagination."

"Right..."  
>"Yes, ma'am."<p>

"So about that note... How long did they say they'd be gone?"  
>"About 22 years."<p>

"WHAT WHAT WHAT?"

* * *

><p>The eerie crickets of the forest chirped and whined incessantly. The blazing yellow fireball of daytime had recently made its final descent onto the horizon, and the invisible cloud of night began sweeping across the atmosphere, plaguing everything in its path with unsurpassably dark hues and shadows. Unfortunately, the vast astral luminosity did little to compensate for this; In fact, the mysterious brightness of most celestial bodies seemed to expire somewhere in the ionosphere, unable to cast their brilliant light onto the surface of the Earth. Thus, the teens' only nocturnal visibility was produced by the bouncing orange flame of their dainty little campfire.<p>

All was quiet between the two males; The occasional glance surfaced every now and then, but words appeared to be avoiding their lips entirely. Finally, after several minutes of awkwardly depressing silence, the redhead spoke.

"We can't just hide out here forever, Cartman! They're gonna find us sooner or later!"

"Jesus, Kahl, will you just relax? You're acting like Tweek!"

"I'm sorry, dude...It's just...I'm having second thoughts about this."

"What?"

"I think-I think it was wrong of you to kill Stan..."

"What the hell are you talking about? He almost shot you, remember?"

"I know... but I still think that wasn't the right way for you to handle it."

"Well what the hell was I supposed to do, huh? Just stand there and let him kill me?"

"N-no, but I mean you could have called for help or something."

"No way, dude, then everyone would know about US."

He briefly gestured towards each other's groins to emphasize his point.

"Yes, but AT LEAST then they might've believed us!"

"What the hell makes you think they'd believe what happened? We've always HATED each other, Kahl, everyone in this God damn town knows that!"

"YES, but at least then we had a CHANCE. And now...now we don't have anything."

"Uhh...why?"

"Because we weren't RESPONSIBLE! Instead of staying there and doing the right thing, we just fucking RAN AWAY from the problem!"

"Yeah, so?"

"SO now they won't believe us even if we DO go back and tell them what happened!"

"Uhh..."

"You know what, Cartman? Forget it. I guess I forgot how fucking small-minded you are."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Kahl..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO TO SLEEP, YOU FAT IGNORANT FUCK!"

Cartman stretched out on the soft green carpet of grass, moaning in contentment as he found a comfortable position.

As he lay there, he took great interest in the little makeshift bounty of reds and oranges, despite the fact that he had created it using materials as simple as sticks and stones. How the fire laughed and shrieked as it began to smother the last of the sticks; The moment would have struck others as dull and meaningless, but for Cartman, it was nothing shy of music to his ears. After a few moments of staring at the campfire, theoverweight boy finally shut his eyes. Almost immediately, his brain began to analyzethe ill-fated conversation with had Kyle meant when he called him "small-minded?"

He gritted his teeth in annoyance and dismissed the thought from his being, mumbling the words, "Fuck him, I don't care."

The thought came racing back to his mind one last time before his brain finally succumbed to the sovereignty of the nocturnally regnant sub-conscious. Cartman worshiped his precious dream land, for it was the keeper of all of his wildest fantasies, the nightly visions that carried him away from all of his problems, concerns, and nemeses. It was one of the only things that reminded him to keep going, despite the virtually atrocious adversities

life had so frequently and blatantly fired upon him...


End file.
